Young people, will you succeed as spouses and parents? (Part I)
By Robert Fontana (An imaginary conversation between Robert and young adults in college, some church-goers and some not.)
Rob Here’s my question for you. Gay or Straight, will you succeed as spouses and parents whenever that may be?
YP 1 (young person) What? That’s a crazy question. I’m not even thinking about being married or becoming a parent. Now, living with my love interest? Maybe.
(All the other YPs join in with “Same here!” and “Me too!” and “I just want to have some fun.”)
Rob Oh, I hear what you’re saying, but let me ask you this. How many of you see marriage and family in your future?
(Most hands go up.)
Rob Great. How many of you who raised your hand hope to get divorced?
(There’s a pause…then a dozen or so hands go up; young people are laughing.)
Rob Oh…of course, a few of you are planning on getting divorced, but the majority of you, should you marry, are expecting that your marriages will go the distance, “till death do us part.”
But the truth is, if current patterns hold up, many of you will get divorced: between 40-50% of non-church marriages end in divorce. This rate is going down especially among the middle- and upper middle-class couples, while it is going way up for couples raised in poverty. For couples who participate in church, about 28% of Catholic marriages and 33% of Protestant marriages end in divorce. Not a very good percentage, but better that the general population.
YP 2 My parents divorced when I was 13, and it totally sucked because they kept on fighting. I was caught in the middle and couldn’t wait until I could get out of both homes and be on my own. What’s sad is that now both my parents express regret that they didn’t get the help they needed to work things out.
YP 3 My parents never married and broke up before I was born. But they were nice about it. I was raised in two separate homes all my life. I don’t want that for my kids, but it wasn’t that bad.
YP 4 My dad was a raging alcoholic. When he wasn’t drunk, he was kind and funny. But once the drinking started, which was usually every weekend, our home was a nightmare. Mom and Dad fought like cats and dogs until my dad broke my mom’s nose one night. That was it. Mom left, took us with her, and we never looked back.
YP5 My parents just could not live together. When the divorce was over, they stopped fighting. Each remarried. It wasn’t bad. I like my stepparents, but I don’t want divorce for my kids.
Rob My goodness. What pain all of you went through! Thank you for sharing your stories. They are all so different, and yet they have the common thread of parents who did not succeed in marriage nor provide a stable homelife for you.
Will you be different?
(Pause.)
YP 6 I’m never going to get married. I’ll live with someone who I think can be an honest and loving partner, but if things get weird, I’m out. And no babies. I don’t want any kids to have to go through what I went through when my parents divorced.
Rob That makes sense. Your own experiences tell you that being locked in a marriage keeps a person trapped when things go bad. You want the flexibility to leave when you need to. Having children is not a desirable option.
(Speaking to all present) How about this: describe a successful marriage.
YP 7 My mom and dad have been married…ah…well since before I was born. They are each other’s best friend. They have a lot of fun together. Church is important to them which gives them common values and friends. They do argue but there is never any fighting, no name calling and no hitting. And, as far as I can tell, they quickly make up.
YP 8 My parents had a difficult marriage until my dad went to AA and sobered up. Afterwards, they made a Marriage Encounter weekend, and it turned their lives upside down and ours too. Before sobering up and Marriage Encounter Mom was like a single mom. Afterwards dad has shown up for everything. We would eat dinner as a family, he came to our games, and we had a weekly family night that was alcohol-free and fun. Mom and Dad seem to love and trust each other. Thank God.
Rob Great stories. Listen to what you are saying. What are the elements of a successful marriage? You’ve named friendship between couples, trust, sobriety, common values, spirituality, friends who share your values, and being able to argue, without escalating to fighting, and then reconnecting.
There is no reason that you cannot have a successful marriage and family life. But you must prepare now if you want to succeed later.
You know this is true with other areas of your life. How many of you are preparing now to be successful later in a specific career? (All hands go up!)
How many of you who played high school sports started in sports as a five- or six-year-old?
(Lots of hands go up.)
Y4 I started playing soccer when I was three.
Rob Of course you did. Your parents were preparing you to succeed in high school sports by having you begin developing the basic skills for success years earlier. They did the same thing to help you succeed in college by reading to you from the time you were born, and they probably sent you to a pre-school.
It’s not too late for you to prepare now to be successful spouses and parents later. Think about it. What preparations can you do now to help you succeed later in love/marriage and as a parent? (The focus of Part II.)
