Catholic Life Ministries

By Robert Fontana

Lent is fast approaching. And in Providential irony, Ash Wednesday is also St. Valentine’s Day (February 14). How about that for a divine challenge! Ash Wednesday invites us to fast, pray, and give alms. St. Valentine’s Day invites us to splurge on dinner, show love to those we love, and give flowers and lots of chocolate. And it follows that other day of great splurging – Fat Tuesday aka Mardi Gras. The last big “let the good times roll” before the disciplines of Lent take hold (with exceptions, of course, for St. Patrick and St. Joseph feast days).

However you resolve the dilemma of Ash Wednesday’s coinciding with St. Valentine’s Day, prepare yourself now for the spiritual journey you want to take during the great 40 days of Lent. On this retreat we followers of Jesus are invited to encounter the Lord with all the honesty and authenticity that we can muster. If we do this, if we sincerely prepare ourselves to encounter Jesus anew, it can be a wild and crazy ride because Jesus does not fit neatly into our liberal – conservative categories.

We don’t get the Jesus we want. We get the Jesus we need.

Keep in mind, the Jesus who said,

“Come to me all you who are weary, and I will give you rest,” (Mt 11:28)

is the same Jesus who said,

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man ‘against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s enemies will be those of his household.’” (Mt 10:34)

At first glance it might seem Jesus is being schizophrenic, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. However, most parents, teachers and anyone who cares for children and youth know that we must do this delicate balancing act of “comforting and afflicting (or challenging) our children all the time.

For example, your son, trying to impress a girl with his driving skills, backs into a car. The other car has very little damage but the rear of your car is crushed. Your son, with tears in his eyes, comes to tell you what happened. You, of course, are glad that no one was hurt and feel bad for your son who clearly shows remorse. You hold him in your arms, tell him you love him, remind him that cars can be fixed and that you are glad he is alright. He feels consoled, cared for, and comforted. The “afflicted is comforted.” He is reminded that he is absolutely loved no matter what!

But wait, that’s not the end of it. You look your son in the eyes and say, “Of course, you will have to pay for the repair out of your work money.”

He looks at you with horror in his eyes. Six months later, after making his last payment to you for the repair of the rear hatchback, he says, “I sure hate making money at my job and handing it directly to you.” 

The “comfortable” has been “afflicted.” He needed to be held accountable for his behavior and accept the appropriate consequences so that he could mature and grow into a wise, thoughtful, and healthy contributor to society.

Something similar happens when we encounter Jesus in an honest authentic way. We do not simply get the Jesus we want, the One who consoles and comforts us, we get the Jesus we need, who wants us to learn from our mistakes, hurt, conflict. For example:

Charlie goes to see Fr. John because he is having marital problems. Fr. John greets him with great compassion, listens to his pain, and offers him a safe place to unload. The “afflicted” has been “comforted.“

Fr. John, being a wise spiritual director, also invites Charlie to examine his role in the conflict. Charlie admits that he’s been under a lot of pressure at work, has been drinking too much at home, and that his wife complains of being hurt and neglected. Now Fr. John gets to ask Charlie, who’s an active Catholic, “Are you the person you want to be in this marriage? Are you being the husband and father that you want to be in Christ?” The comforter has now become the afflicter (in a loving and kind way).

Charlie thinks about it.  “No, I’m not being the person I want to be.”

“Well, who is that person you want to be in this marriage and family? And what are you doing that’s getting in the way of your being the husband and father you want to be and can be?

There’s silence. Fr. John lets it sit there for a while then says, “Tell me about your relationship with alcohol.” And for the first time in his life Charlie admits that he can’t manage his drinking. It’s out of  control.

If Fr. John had offered only comfort, it would have allowed Charlie to hide behind Fr. John’s kindness and care. He would not have been challenged to mature, to grow up and take responsibility for his part in the conflict at home nor to make a realistic assessment of his drinking habits. This is not uncommon. Many active Catholics, Protestants, and Evangelicals use religious practices and friends to hide from the difficult and complex issues that keep them from maturing into healthy adults. They turn to Jesus for comfort but do not stick around for the “affliction/challenge” that they need to grow and mature in faith.

The beautiful thing is that when Jesus does “afflict” us, he walks with us every step of the way as we take a hard look at ourselves, address the issues within that are keeping us from growing in faith, and find the courage to mature.

Whatever your Lenten plan is, draw close to Jesus, receiving both his comfort and his “affliction.” In your prayer, at worship, with a spiritual companion or director, bring your struggles, your questions, your fears to Jesus. Allow Jesus to bless you with tender love and guide you along a path of life in the Trinity.