By Robert Fontana

The Scriptures are clear: heaven begins this side of heaven. Paul writes, “So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.” (2 Cor 5:17) John writes, “See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. Yet so we are.” (1 John 3:1)

This is not simply meant as a theological truth while we toil in this “valley of tears.” We should experience the fruits of being a “New Creation,” a “Child of God” this side of heaven, through how we love one another. This is especially true for couples who marry in Christ Jesus. As a pattern, Christian married life ought to bring us “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Gal 5:22-23)

Sadly, for too many Christian couples, marriage is a foretaste of hell rather than heaven. The current data on divorce rates among Christian couples is 28% for Catholics, 33% for Protestants. UGH! Furthermore, from my experience as a marriage therapist, many long-term Christian marriages are unhappy.

There are a variety of reasons for this, but a primary one is that couples do not work on their marriage. By not giving their marriage attention, couples begin to take one another for granted, other things become more important, and couples grow apart. They may go to Church and look like the “Holy Family” on the outside, but on the inside, they are lonely, hurt, and disillusioned. This does not have to be. There is a    solution!

Work on your marriage!

It’s not just working on learning better communication skills, doing relationship inventories, reading self-improvement books, and going on retreats – although these are all good and important.  Working on your marriage especially involves maintaining friendship and having fun together. Marital friendship, according to the research, is the key ingredient to sustaining happiness in love over a lifetime.

Marital friendship means turning to one another as the primary person to give and receive affection, trust and openness, fun, admiration, sexual intimacy, acceptance, and, of course, forgiveness. With marital friendship fosters a “holy communion” between spouses with the fruits of the Holy Spirit being present as a pattern in the couple’s life: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Gal 5:22-23) Now wouldn’t that be a taste of heaven before heaven?

Work on your marriage and your marriage will work! If you need help, attend a workshop or retreat together. Lori and I are presenting a retreat for couples at the Bon Secours Conference Center, Marriottsville, Maryland. (Details are below; join us if you can!) There are many good workbooks for couples. A favorite of mine is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work. Lori and I also have a workbook for couples that you might consider using. It’s called “Hidden Treasure: Discover the Amazing Gift of Your Marriage.” You can get it on Amazon or Barnes and Nobles.

Of course, if you are really in conflict, go to couples counseling. I’m seeing couples who are preparing for marriage, recently married, married for a dozen years, and married for over 30 or 40 years. Conflict that turns into fighting happens at all stages of married life. Do not hesitate to get help if you are stuck in a rut and are unhappy in your marriage regardless of how short or long you have been married. God and a good marriage therapist can help bring joy back to your marriage.

Christian Marriage Is Beautiful…and Hard

Friday, August 23 (4 pm) – Sunday, August 25 (11:30 am) at the Bon Secours Retreat and Conference Center, Marriottsville, MD

Join us for a marriage/relationship enrichment retreat for all marriages and committed couple relationships: those strong or struggling; recently married or married for years; divorced and remarried with blended families; and couples who are not married but want relationship help. This retreat is guided by Robert & Lori Fontana.

Presentations will include a mixture of prayer and reflection, music, skits, stories, and excellent information based on Scripture, Catholic teaching, and clinical experience. You will reflect on the beauty of Christian marriage, the social evidence on why it is hard to live out, and the ingredients of a successful marriage. This is a participatory retreat with opportunities during each session for spouses/partners to separately complete relationship inventories related to the topic, share their answers with each other, and dialogue. You may gain new skills in self-awareness, communication, and conflict resolution or strengthen these skills that you already have.

The price of $500 is per couple. Please place both names within the name field (i.e First Name: John&Jane, Last Name: Doe/Smith). For single rooms or commuter options, please email Doris.Gallagher@BonSecoursRCC.org.

Check-in begins at 4pm and an orientation session will be held at 5:30pm. Mass will be available on Sunday. Please note that lunch is not included on Sunday before departure.

To register: https://bonsecoursrcc.org/event/christian-marriage-is-beautifuland-hard