Christian Marriage is Beautiful…and Hard
By Robert Fontana
Christian marriage is beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and awesome because marriage, when done right, brings about what St. Paul calls the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Gal 5:22-23) And this is true, of course, for secular marriages as well. I have a bias towards marriage as a Catholic who accepts the Catholic worldview on marriage: a life-long covenant, freely entered, that welcomes children.
But the social research supports what Catholics and other people of faith believe about marriage. Basically, IT’S A GREAT INSTITUTION that needs to be valued, protected, and supported because successful marriages contribute so much good to society. In her book The Case for Marriage (© 2000), University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite and co-author Maggie Gallagher document evidence from social research around the country regarding the state of marriage in America. What they discovered was that people who are married are happier, wealthier, healthier, have children who are more likely to succeed, and have better sex lives than their fellow American who were co-habiting or single (never married, divorced, or widowed). Yes, contrary to the jokes and the Hollywood image of swinging singles, married people report sex lives which have almost the same frequency as their co-habiting counterparts, more frequency than their single counterparts, and more enjoyable and meaningful than both groups!
Some might say, well Rob, that research is old. Maybe things have changed. We increasingly live in a post-marriage culture. Young people are moving in together and remaining unmarried in greater numbers. They are not having children; instead they get dogs. What does the research say about marriage in the post-pandemic America of today?
Good question. Because Brad Wilcox, professor of sociology and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, has completed research on the state of marriage in America… and guess what he found out? The conclusions that Waite and Gallagher wrote in 2000 hold up today in 2024. Wilcox concludes in his book, Get Married, that Americans must, in fact, “save civilization” by embracing marriage and forging strong families!
THERE ARE NO LOSERS WHEN MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS! Everybody wins! In fact, contrary to popular myth, the biggest winners in successful marriages are MEN!! Marriage isn’t a ball and chain holding men down. Marriage is what most men need to mature and become their best selves.
Certainly, women and children thrive when marriage succeeds, but the evidence shows that men especially do. Married men enjoy more physical and mental health, live longer, and report happier and more meaningful lives than their single male counterparts. Single men, as they age, suffer more episodes of depression, struggle with isolation, turn more often to alcohol, drugs, porn, and watching sports to cope, and die younger than their married counterparts.
Christian marriage adds a special purpose to marriage that both enriches married love and spreads its goodness. Christian marriage is all about Jesus and his mission on earth, to announce the good news of the Kingdom of God. Jesus described the Kingdom of God as a “treasure” discovered in a field and a “pearl of great price” for which one is to sell everything to purchase. (Mt 13:44-46)
The “Kingdom of God” is nothing less than the Holy Spirit fully alive and active in creation: working for love to overcome hate, hope to conquer despair, and faith to be victorious over sin and suffering. The Kingdom of God is vast and present in creation and among all people who sincerely seek God and strive to be guided by love. It is most visible in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.
Jesus proclaimed the Kingdom of God not simply to get you and me to heaven but to bring heaven to earth. Indeed, he taught us to pray that “thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”
Christian marriage, as a sacrament of the Church, is a building block for the Kingdom of God on earth. It is a visible and tangible institution that God uses to build strong individuals, families, neighborhoods, schools — the foundation for a good and just society. It is a visible sign of God’s love for humanity and all creation (Ephesians 5:21-33). This doesn’t mean that Christian marriages are problem-free. In fact, Christian marriages have all the problems that every marriage has when two people who are very different from one another try to love one another and their children within the challenges and complexities of everyday life. And it is in the very process of spouses’ working at loving and forgiving one another as disciples of Jesus that God’s kingdom unfolds. It is truly a “treasure hidden in a field.” This is how Lori describes it:
I’m convinced that my marriage, too, is that hidden treasure alluded to in Scripture. My marriage in Christ, a sacrament of life and love, is worth whatever sacrifice is necessary to make it work. It takes all the faith, hope, and love that Jesus has given me to love and serve my spouse and family. Marriage comes at a great cost – EVERYTHING! The happily-ever-after scenario from the fairy tales is just that; a fairy tale, unless both spouses are willing to risk everything – their egos, independence, self-centeredness, personal hopes and dreams, etc. – to become one in Christ. Thankfully, we have a lifetime to do this because it does take a lifetime for couples to love one another, grow in friendship and trust, work together as a team especially as parents, and forgive one another.
Marriage is the hidden treasure. It demands of us every ounce of energy, every skill at communicating, and every reserve within our hearts to live up to the promise we made in our marriage vows: “to love, to be true, and to honor.”
What is the “hidden treasure” that could be worth such a sacrificial way of life? Peace! In John’s Gospel (14:27, 16:33) we read, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you…I have told you this that you might have peace in me…”
Christian marriage is beautiful. When done right, when we create a pattern of working together as Lori described above, we gain a taste of heaven as described by Paul. We gain the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Gal 5:22-23)
(Next article, Christian Marriage is Beautiful…and Hard, Part II.)
