YEAH, A Week to Celebrate Marriage (Feb 7-14)
By Robert Fontana
NATIONAL MARRIAGE WEEK is February 7-14! I find it a little discombobulating to write about something so positive while the country dissolves into chaos over Trump’s dismantling of democracy. Still, it is NATIONAL MARRIAGE WEEK, and I’ll keep my focus on this important civic and religious institution. I’m a believer in the institution of marriage and will do whatever I can to help couples of all stripes – religious, secular, straight, gay – to succeed in marriage.
THERE ARE NO LOSERS WHEN MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS! Everybody wins, from the couple to their children, should they have some, to their extended family and friends, to the workplace, and to the civic and faith communities.
To be successful in marriage does not mean to be perfect in marriage because perfection does not exist. But success does. We know from research what a successful marriage looks like and how to achieve it. In a nutshell, couples who succeed in marriage learn how to negotiate their differences so that the marriage wins. They remain the best of friends, work as a team, communicate reasonably well, share household duties, parent the children, meet regularly for mutually satisfying intimacy, are good neighbors, mature through conflict, and forgive one another for shortcomings.
This doesn’t mean that single people can’t do the same, especially single parents as was my grandmother who raised my mom and aunt. Single parents can succeed, but it is so much harder.
This also doesn’t mean that everyone should eventually marry. However, the trend today is that most men and women are going to “hook up” with one or multiple partners, especially when they are young. Many want the mirage of freedom that comes from “friends with benefits and no commitment.” As clients of mine, both men and women, have told me, after a couple of years of living this lifestyle, they are left feeling empty, hurt, used, and alone.
What they really need to help them grow up is traditional marriage as it has come down to us over the generations with its three vows of “fidelity, love, and honor,” and a supportive community that will stand with them in good times and bad, in sickness and health.
The vows provide the essential framework that disciplines spouses and fosters a mature love over a lifetime. The community of friends and family who believe in marriage offers positive examples of married life, peers and elders who share the joys and sorrows of married life, and single elders and peers who offer friendship and mutual support.
Not all marriages can be successful. Some people, for reasons stemming from childhood trauma, addiction, or irreconcilable hurt, must divorce for the sake of their sanity. But I’m convinced that most marriages can be saved and become successful if only spouses would make their marriage their primary commitment from the “get-go.” In doing so couples will take care of their relationship in the same way that they care for their garden or car or career; use whatever metaphor you like. Gardens need fertilizer, watering, and weeding; cars need gas, tune-ups, and repairs; and careers need internships, supervisors, and on-going training.
If you are married, it is important to determine how you are doing in married life. Take the quiz and find out! Indicate your level of agreement with each statement with 1=No, 5=Sometimes, and 10=Yes.
1. We approach our life together as a team.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
2. We are aware of each other’s gifts and talents, and use them in the marriage.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
3. Marriage has helped me to mature; it brings out the best in me.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4. We agree on our approach to money: saving some, meeting needs, and sharing.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5. We live a healthy balance of work, leisure, exercise, and sleep.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
6. We take care of each other during illness and difficult times.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
7. We agree on our approach to faith, family devotions, and service.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8. We are good friends and regularly make time for fun together.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9. We are very good at dealing with conflict.
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
10. I am very satisfied with our romantic, sensual life!
No Sometimes Yes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Tally individual numbers and place scores in the appropriate spaces below. Add the scores. The higher the score, the more successful the marriage. 70 + =Successful; 40-60 = needs work; 30 and under = HELP!
When I think about my marriage, I feel…____________ (select any of the feelings listed below that apply)
Positive emotions: Loved, happy, peaceful, connected, grateful, hopeful, other _______________
Difficult emotions: Uncertain, sad, hurt, restless, distant, regretful, despairing, other ___________
If you have a successful marriage or one that needs work, keep working on your marriage. Read books together, e.g. Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You might even try the workbook Lori and I wrote, Hidden Treasure: Discovering the Amazing Gift of Your Marriage. (Both books can be ordered from your local book store.) I suggest you also attend a retreat for couples or a marriage enrichment weekend such as Marriage Encounter.
If you’re marriage needs HELP, don’t wait, contact a therapist trained in couple’s conflict right away. You will not regret turning a difficult marriage into one that fosters love and intimacy.
