Catholic Life Ministries

By Robert Fontana

Did Jesus know this when he reiterated the Jewish conviction that marriage is for life?

[Jesus] said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.  Matthew 19:4-6

I am taking a course on couple therapy and came across a statement made by one of the gurus of the modern marriage therapy movement, John Gottman, PhD, that coincides with a long-held conviction of mine: the fundamental conflict in marriage is UNSOLVABLE!  What is it?  Lori is not me, and I’m not Lori!  That’s it.  You are not your spouse and your spouse is not you.

When Saturday morning comes around, and we do not have any major commitments, our unsolvable conflict raises its head.  We’ve had a busy week and haven’t seen one another much, so we agree we want to spend much of the day together, but what to do?

Lori:  Please do not make any plans for Saturday.  I’ve had my fill of being with people especially fourth-grade 10-YEAR-OLDS!

Robert: Well, I’ve been working from home all week and have hardly seen a soul; it’d be great to have a game night with some other adults.

Lori:  I JUST WANT TO SLEEP IN, AND WHEN I WAKE UP, HAVE A QUIET PRAYER TIME, DRINK SOME COFFEE, AND READ THE PAPER.  WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO DO THAT TOGETHER?

Robert: WE BOTH SAY WE NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.  WHY NOT GET UP EARLY AND DO A 20-MILE BIKE RIDE, THEN MEET THE KALUZNYS FOR SOFT-SERVE YOGURT?

Driving together brings out our unsolvable conflict like no other. Lori’s the detail person; I’m the…well…selectively aware person.  She can see a light change color before the rest of the world.  As green, in a micro of a micro-second is transitioning to yellow, Lori is telling me, “YELLOW!” Simultaneously, she is alerting me to the pedestrians who are preparing to cross the street, the pedestrians who are still in the crosswalk through which we are preparing to turn, and the low-flying airplane that appears to be looking for clearance to land on the street ahead of us.

I, on the other hand, am thinking about the 1966 championship game between Notre Dame and Michigan, and wondering why the Fighting Irish coach went for the tie.  The light still looks green to me, then…yes…it’s yellow, and I do whatever anyone of the male species would do in my shoes (or car), speed up.  Doesn’t a yellow light mean “hurry up”?

Lori and I are night-and-day different in our temperaments, personalities, styles, and latte preferences.  If we can stay together, and happily so, for 35 years, then so can most couples.

How do successful couples negotiate this unsolvable problem on their way to “happy ever after?”  This is what Gottman says: they remain friends.

Yeah, it’s that simple.  It’s not rocket science, and it is something anyone from any background – rich or poor, white collar or blue collar, Christian or secular, white, black, or blue – can do.

Of course, the $50 question is: how? By accommodating each other’s differences, and keeping play, fun, and conversation alive in the relationship.  In fact, friendship is the key for longevity in marriage.  When friendship ends or is waning, it is replaced by criticism, contempt, defensiveness (or blaming), and “stonewalling” (refusing to cooperate). The clearest sign that couples are losing their friendship is when fun has left the relationship. When a marriage stops being fun and this becomes a pattern in the relationship, the couple is in trouble.

However, key to accommodating one another is learning to stop trying to change each other.  And, if needs are not being met, rather than yell, scream, ridicule, give the silent treatment, withdraw, pout, or whatever, TALK.

 Lori:  Rob, I need some time to myself this Saturday morning; why not go for a ride on your own or call a friend?

Ironically, it is probably the differences that attract people to one another in the first place.  I was drawn to Lori not simply by the Catholic faith we shared, but because she paid attention to detail, noticed if the people around her were safe and secure, and was completely reliable in doing what she said she would do.  Lori was drawn to me because I was flexible, out-going, a good listener, and playful. (We are not completely different and have many things in common on which to build friendship).

But early in our marriage we had forgotten this.  After a particular period when friendship waned and fun was disappearing from our relationship, we regrouped.  We decided to each write down what we needed from the other person.

Lori’s list was:

1) diapers and dishes first

2) be home when you say you will be home

3) weekly meetings for planning

4) don’t wake kids when you come home and they’re asleep

5) record checks that you’ve written

Rob’s list was:

1) romance first

2) be flexible

3) plan but be flexible

4) play more; the work can wait

5) where’s the checkbook?

We laughed because it was very clear that each of us wanted to be married to our self; Lori to her, me to me (and what a nightmare that would be).  At that moment I heard the Lord say, “Now real love can happen in this marriage.”  I knew what Jesus meant.  “Now you have to build a life together, fully accepting each other as each other actually is. And if your needs are not being met, talk.”

If Jesus were around today and asked about marriage, he might answer with: I agree with Gottman, that there is an unsolvable conflict in marriage: you will never be your spouse and your spouse will never be you.  And that will be the source of your greatest joy and most fruitful growth.  You can go the distance and build a life of great love by accommodating one another’s differences and keeping friendship alive.