Catholic Life Ministries

by Robert Fontana

Christians the world over are going on a 40-day retreat beginning on Ash Wednesday.  This is a very serious and somber time for those of us who claim to follow Jesus, made more serious and somber because of the Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Lent points us to the events that took place in Jerusalem when Jesus, through a non-violent movement, took over the Jerusalem temple (Palm Sunday), was betrayed by one of his closest followers and confidants, was abandoned by friends, condemned to death, tortured and executed by crucifixion as a political revolutionary.

Following Jesus’ resurrection, Jesus’s followers struggled to make sense of his death.  The story of two disciples walking to the village of Emmaus illustrates this struggle.  As the story goes, Jesus is not recognized as he walks up to two disciples who are leaving Jerusalem, downcast over the death of their teacher.  They are confused and cannot understand how their religious leaders could have killed this man that they considered a prophet.  Jesus reprimanded them, ““Oh, how foolish you are! How slow of heart to believe all that the prophets spoke.  Was it not necessary that the Messiah should suffer these things and enter into his glory?”  Jesus then explains to them why the Messiah had to suffer.  Jesus was the suffering servant whose death brought reconciliation between God and humanity and among humanity itself.

During Lent we walk with Jesus to the cross.  Let us do so mindful of the suffering of the Ukrainian people. We walk with the Messiah who had to suffer for our sake and our salvation; and we join in his work of redemptive suffering.  We do penance and acts of self-denial which train us to bear suffering for the love of God.  I hope that our Lenten prayer and sacrifice will include remembrance of so many innocent people who are suffering in this Eastern European conflict.

And if we are personally going through a time of actual suffering because of difficult life circumstances, such as illness or confronting real evil and injustice in society, we ask God to help us carry the cross of that suffering because it too can become life-giving and redemptive through Christ.  Let us pray that God will use the suffering we experience this Lent, our own and that of the war in Eastern Europe, to bring about something good in the world.  If God can turn an instrument of Roman execution into an instrument of salvation, God can certainly transform current trials and evils into something good.

Even such a somber and serious season, especially with the war hanging over the world like a dark cloud, still needs a party, one last “hurrah,” to help us enter into it properly.  Thus in Catholic countries all over the world, the season of “Carnival” or “Mardi Gras” is celebrated before Lent.  A very appropriate way to bring closure to Carnival and Ordinary Time and transition into the penitential season of Lent is to literally bury the word “Alleluia.”  That word, usually sung before the reading of the Gospels at Mass, is not sung during Lent.  It will not be heard again until the Easter vigil when the Church celebrates the resurrection of Jesus, who is God’s “Alleluia” to the world.

So, on Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, or on the Thursday or Friday that follows, gather with your family and friends to transition into the Lenten season and bury the “Alleluia” using the following prayer service, or something similar.

Bury the Alleluia in Preparation for Lent  – A prayer service to help you and your family, prayer group, office, and/or parish prepare for Lent. You can do this any day during the week of Ash Wednesday.

Materials: Take a legal size sheet of paper and, using a marker, write in large print “Alleluia.”  Have other markers of different colors available.  You will also need a shovel.

Leader  Lent is upon us.  It is the time we remember when God’s “Alleluia,” Jesus, took away the sins of the world through his death on the cross.

All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

Leader  The word “Alleluia” is a Hebrew word which means “Praise the Lord.”  It is appropriate to call Jesus “God’s Alleluia” because his entire life was an act of praise and worship of God.

 R1   Jesus is the word of God who is fully human and fully God.

 All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

R2   Jesus was obedient to Mary and Joseph, and from them he learned to do his Father’s will.

 All   Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

R3    Jesus preached the Kingdom of God.  He invited women and men to repent and believe in the good news of God’s immense love breaking into human history.

All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

R4  Jesus gathered together a community of disciples, women and men, and taught them the Beatitudes.

All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

R5  Jesus sent his disciples to proclaim the Kingdom of God and to heal the sick.

All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

 R6   Jesus forgave the woman accused of adultery and told her to sin no more.

All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

R7   Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and consecrated bread and wine into his body and blood.

All  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

 Leader For the 40 days of Lent the Church “buries the Alleluia” by refraining from singing this sacred word in our liturgy.  We do so to remember the Lord Jesus, God’s Alleluia, the Lamb of God, who took the sins of the world with him to the grave so as to rob them of their power to destroy life.

What are the sins of the world today that destroy life?  Write them on the sheet of paper bearing the word “Alleluia.” Don’t forget to include the suffering Ukranian people.

[After all have written something on the paper, the “Alleluia” is placed in a hole in the ground and buried.]

 All Gracious God and Father, your beloved Son Jesus suffered death to give us life.  Help us during this Lenten season to deny ourselves and serve others in imitation of Him who lives with you, and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.  Amen!

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By Robert Fontana

Lent.  What does it mean to you?  When you say to yourself, “Lent is here,” what comes to mind?  What pulls at your heart?

For me, it is exactly that, a pull at my heart to draw close to God, to confess my sins and failings, and to lean into God’s mercy, goodness, and love.  This Lent I want to learn from Jesus how to draw near to God.

 Where did Jesus go to pray?  To a synagogue or church?  Not when he wanted to be alone.  When he wanted to be alone with God, Jesus found a deserted place near a river, in a desert, on mountains, or in a garden.  In other words, Jesus turned to nature to help him draw near to God.

Matthew 14:23 After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone.

Nature fed Jesus’ life with God.  We know this is true from texts like one above, but also from his teachings:  Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are not you more important than they?  Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your lifespan?  Why are you anxious about clothes?  Learn from the way the wildflowers grow.  They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.  Matthew 6:26

Only a person immersed in the beauty of creation and touched by the divine hidden within nature could write such words.  St. Paul explains how this works:

Ever since the creation of the world, [God’s] invisible attributes of eternal power and divinity have been able to be  understood and perceived in what he has made. Romans 1:20

This Lent, make time to pray outdoors in a garden or a park, along a river, near a pond, or on a mountain trail.  Time spent in nature is very important to one’s spiritual and mental health.  Many therapists encourage their    clients to spend time out-of-doors as part of their     treatment plan.  It calms the central nervous system and    lowers the heart rate as participants learn to use nature to help them relax.  But there is a spiritual dividend as well.  There is something about being with non-human living species – trees, flowers, shrubs, ferns, grass – that are growing, greening, and flowering, with the music and chatter of birds, squirrels, and even insects, that calms the soul and draws one into the heart of God.  Nature is a sacrament, an outward sign, instituted by God that gives grace.  Being in nature fed Jesus’ spiritual life, and it can feed yours.

Lent is a good time to forgive those who have hurt you.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25

Lent is the appropriate time of the year to examine the resentments, bitterness, jealousies and grudges we carry against others.  Yes, we have every good reason to have these negative feelings towards others who have hurt us, abused us, undermined our good names, lied about us, etc.

But most people are confused about what forgiveness is and isn’t.  Forgiving another person does not mean     forgetting what he or she did nor allowing them to walk off scott free without being held accountable for his/her actions.  Nor does forgiving mean reconciling with the person(s) who hurt you and becoming buddy-buddy. (Restoring trust needs to happen for reconciliation to happen.) Forgiveness is not something I do for the person(s) who offended me. Rather, it’s something I do for me.  Forgiveness means that I release the poisons of  bitterness and resentment, etc. that keep me from my own interior freedom and bind me to the one I haven’t forgiven.  As long as I hang on to those negative feelings, to refuse to let go of my resentment, the person who hurt me still has a hold on me.  Forgiveness is my letting go of those negative feelings and entrusting that person to God.

A client was sexually abused as a child by one of her   parents.  She repressed this awful memory for years until mid-life when certain events happened, and the memory of that betrayal hit her with a paralyzing force.  There was no talking with the parent who had died.  What finally set her free from the darkness was forgiving her parent.  Forgiveness was her path to peace.

Use this Lent to work on forgiving the people towards whom you have feelings of betrayal, anger, resentment, bitterness, and regret.  “You” might be the main person on your forgiveness list.  Yes, work on forgiving yourself for the many ways you have not been the person that you wanted to be.

Lastly, do fast and give alms.  When we are hungry, we experience emptiness.  Fasting also creates space in our hearts for God and others.  It can inspire us to share our financial resources with agencies that do the corporal and spiritual works of mercy – feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, counseling the sorrowful, instructing the     ignorant, etc.  We become partners in this works of mercy.  This is what the book of Tobit (4:7-9) says about almsgiving:

Give alms from your possessions.  Do not turn your face away from any of the poor, and God’s face will not be turned away from you.  Give alms in proportion to what you own.  If you have great wealth, give alms out of your abundance; if you have but little, distribute even some of that.  But do not hesitate to give alms; you will be  storing up a goodly treasure for yourself in the day of adversity.  Tobit:4:7-9

So, this Lent, learn from Jesus and Tobit how to have a fruitful Lent: pray in nature, forgive those who have hurt you, and give alms generously.

By Lori Fontana

Do you know that every marriage has an unsolvable problem? It’s that I’m not my spouse, and my spouse is not me! I like Scrabble; he likes Risk. I like the crossword puzzle; he goes right to the sports page. He likes surfing through all the channels with the remote; I like to find one program and watch it through. A perfect Saturday morning for him is a 20-mile bike ride followed by college football on TV; I like staying in my PJ’s, reading a good book, and sipping a mug of tea. I go around turning off lights; he likes them all on. I like hazelnut; he can’t stand it!

These are not moral differences. We’re not tussling over huge philosophical or spiritual issues. But we have     preferences, and we bump into our differences daily. These differences are not good or bad; they’re just       different. We have to work at negotiating them and     accepting each other as we are. Our marriage covenant means we are committed to sticking with the give-and-take of a successful marriage. And it is precisely in      navigating our differences with good communication and patience and LOVE that each of us grows in wisdom and grace, and our marriage bond is strengthened.

It’s also true that we grow through conflict. When we’re in agreement, we can be on auto-pilot, just sailing along in our busy lives. But when we disagree, when we don’t see eye to eye – that’s when we have to grow in awareness, expand our hearts, and temper our tendencies toward selfishness. We can learn and mature; and our marriage grows stronger and more rewarding. A peace-filled marriage (and it will never be a perfect marriage) is the pearl of great price, well worth the price!

February 7^th – 14^th is National Marriage Week. With your spouse, decide on one thing to do together to help nurture and strengthen your marriage.

Please see the marriage exercise on the below. It will give you a chance for meaningful conversation with your spouse.

VALUES & SPIRITUALITY IN MARRIAGE                                                                   by Susan Vogt (author/speaker), used with permission

The following is an exercise to help you identify your most deeply held values and to check how closely they match up with your daily life. Sometimes we believe we believe something, but how we spend our time and money puts a lie to it. To have a happy marriage, couples need not share every interest, BUT it is crucial that they are in sync with their most deeply held values. If these values are generous, loving, and life-giving, a spiritual bonding will grow.

Directions: Each partner takes time to reflect on the following questions and writes his/her answers on paper. Read each other’s thoughts, then discuss. Since this is a heavy topic, you might not want to do this exercise all in one sitting, but rather take a question a day, a week, or a month.

1-What’s most important in life to you? (This question is open ended to let your mind roam over all the possibilities.)
A.

B.

C.

What kind of time and money do you put toward these priorities?

2-Covenant – Describe a time(s) when your marriage made demands on you that forced you to stand on your vows in order to survive. For example, when has one of you been called to give more than your fair share? (For example: unequal schooling, incomes, illness…)

3-Unconditional – Is there any way that one or both of you have changed since your wedding day that’s been hard to accept? Is there any change that would jeopardize your love? (for example: a change in appearance, personality, or mental health, infertility, loss of a job, infidelity…)

4-Fidelity/Permanence – Fidelity is more than just sexual; permanence is more than just not getting a divorce. What daily or frequent habits have you developed to nurture your relationship? (For example: eating together, a daily walk, checking in by phone or e-mail, praying together…) Has there ever been a crisis in your relationship when you have been tempted to give up on it? What helped you through it?

5- Fruitfulness – Has your love stretched you beyond yourselves? How? (For example: volunteer work, service projects, helping out in your neighborhood and community…)  For those who have a child(ren) – How has your child stretched you to go beyond yourselves?

6- Forgiveness – Do you generally find it easy or difficult to forgive your spouse or yourself for shortcomings and mistakes? What has been a hard thing for you to forgive so far in your marriage? What does forgiveness look like in your marriage? For example: Do you say, “Please forgive me.” and “I forgive you.”? Do you make amends? Do a favor? Hug? Give flowers? Make a bowl of popcorn?…

7-Prayer – How do you involve God in your marriage? What does prayer mean to you? If you pray with your spouse, what’s that experience like? If not, why not, and what would it take to begin praying together?

Identify what prayer form most appeals to you:

____ memorized prayers ____ reading inspirational books  ____ silent meditation

____ prayer services/rituals ____ guided meditation ____ rosary

____ scripture reading ____ inspiration from nature ____ I’m a crisis pray-er

____ other _____________________

By Robert Fontana

February 1 is celebrated as the first day of spring in Ireland.   Okay, you’ve visited Ireland.  You know that Ireland is an island in the North Atlanta.  Ireland has two seasons.  Summer with some rain, July thru September; Winter with lots of rain, October thru June (and its cold).  The Irish need a day of hope to get them to St. Patrick’s Day in six weeks.  That day is February 1, the first day of Spring and also the Feast of St. Brigid.  Brigid was a fierce lover of Jesus who lived in Ireland at the time of St. Patrick.   We Fontanas become “O’Fontanas” on Feb 1 and mix the two events, first day of Spring and St. Bridgid’s Day, for a fun family ritual.  I share that with you below, but first, let me give your a brief story of St. Bridgid.

>St. Patrick baptized Brigid’s mother, Brocca.  Brocca was a slave and Brigid was born into slavery.  Not much is known of her childhood, but she was a friend of St. Patrick according to the Book of Armagh which reads:  “Between St. Patrick and Brigid, the pillars of the Irish people, there was so great a friendship of charity that they had but one heart and one mind. Through him and through her Christ performed many great works.”

St. Brigid is credited with founding and leading a double monastery, one belonging to women and the other t0 men.  This indicates the prominent role that women played in the formative years of the Irish Church.  Many miracles are credited to her intercessions before and after her death.  She is remembered by her followers in Kildare (Church of the Oak) which was a center for prayer, study and copying of the Scriptures and other ancient writings, and metal work.  The nuns at Kildare maintained a fire symbolizing the divine presence in the world and in the Church from the middle of the 5th century until the Protestant Reformation 1,000 years later.

St. Brigid is credited with creating the “St. Brigid’s Cross” made from reeds.  It is said that she was comforting a dying Druid king who asked Brigid to tell him about her God.  She told him the story of Jesus, and as she was doing this, crafted a cross out of reeds, like the one pictured.

St. Brigid is one of the patron saints of Ireland, with St. Patrick and St. Columba, and she is also known as Mary of the Gael.

Here is a prayer and ritual to celebrate both even if you do not live in Ireland and Spring is no where to be seen.

Begin with this Prayer to St. Brigid

Saint Brigid, daughter of Ireland and lover of Jesus, draw us by your prayers into the living flame of God’s love.  Help us to clean our hearts and homes of all that is selfish and self-centered. 

Pray that we will be attentive to the poor and spiritually abandoned, that we will practice the Beatitudes in good times and bad, and that the warmth of God’s love will animate all that we say and do.

Each member of the home takes a kerchief or handkerchief (could also use a bandana or cloth napkin) in hand and walks through the house dusting the furniture and books, and lamps, etc. singing “Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia.”

When the house has been thoroughly dusted, go outside and tie the kerchiefs on the branches of a tree and pray this prayer:

All:  St. Brigid, come this day to our home and hearts, come by the power of God and be our guest.  Help us, dear Brigid, to wipe away the dust of “me, and my, and mine” that we might love others with a selfless heart.  We pray this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Our Father…

By Robert Fontana

No, there is no such thing as “Present the Children to God Day.”  BUT I THINK THERE SHOULD BE!  … celebrated on February 2^nd or on the first Sunday in February.

February 2^nd is the Feast of the Presentation, a day when Catholics and other Christians remember the Biblical story of how Mary and Joseph brought Jesus to the Temple in Jerusalem to present the newborn child to God:

When the days were completed for their purification – according to the law of Moses, they took him up to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord… Luke 2:22

Let’s do this with our kids and grandkids.  Let’s have a grand procession into the church with all the children of the Church.  Let them march in with balloons, streamers, and banners while playing horns, beating drums, and banging tambourines to make a joyful noise unto the Lord as did King David who entered Jerusalem in festive dance!  Let the entire Mass be filled with exuberant joy as we present our children to God, the children who are not simply the future Church, but the Church now as young ones discovering how much they are loved by God and how much God wants to use them to bring God’s love to the world of their daily lives.

It’s a simple message, but it needs to be done in an over-the-top fashion oriented towards children who are usually ignored by the adult way of doing things at Sunday Mass.  I read a study that by the time the average Catholic child is 11 or 12, he or she has checked out of Church, and Church / faith has very little or no meaning in her / his life.  Part of the problem is the dominant American culture, so alluring in its offerings for pleasure and material success.  These enticements can easily distract children and youth away from a life in the Spirit that can be far less tangible and, frankly, less fun.

But we Catholics and other Christians also make it hard for children and youth to find faith relevant to their lives because Sunday worship is something they must endure, and because the daily purpose of being a follower of Jesus is poorly understood.

We cannot change all this at one Sunday Mass and parish event.  But we can invite our parishioners, those families who are regular participants and those who come just at Christmas and Easter, to bring the children to church on the Feast of the Presentation (or the first Sunday of February) and join with the parish community in presenting the children to Godin imitation of Joseph and Mary.

What would such a presentation look like?

1. Let the presiding priest skip his processional entrance so that the focus is all on the children who are welcomed by Father and invited to process around the church as they make a joyful noise of song and praise. Banners, streamers, balloons can be prepared ahead of time, and children could be invited to bring from home any horn, drum and/or tambourine to carry with them up and down the aisles while the cantor leads the community in singing a joyous hymn such as Ode to Joy.
2. The ministries of lector, cantor, and choir could be filled by children who have been trained to do the readings and lead singing for the psalm response and songs.
3. Father could invite a few children who have prepared to help with the homily, to share stories of how they know that God loves them and how each tries to show that love in daily life.
4. During the preparation of gifts all the children could be invited to come forth and place canned goods in front of the altar to be given to the local food bank or St. Vincent de Paul Society.
5. Children could be invited to join Father around the altar and to repeat his gestures as he leads the community through the Eucharist prayer.
6. Children would then return to their seats after the Our Father to give their parents the sign of peace.
7. After communion the children would be invited to gather around the baptismal pool/font. The entire assembly then would extend hands over them as Father invites the Holy Spirit to come upon the children and invites the children to open their hearts to the Holy Spirit.  After concluding with “Amen,” the children bless themselves with the baptismal water and return to their parents.

Conclusion: Father would remind the children that they are the Church of today. God needs them and so does the community of faith. “Grab your instruments, children, and process with me out of the church to the parish hall to continue our celebration!”  After Mass, there would be cake and ice cream and fruit for all in the parish center, along with face painters to offer the emblems of an angel or a butterfly.

“Present your Child to God” Day is not an event on the Church calendar, but I think it should be!

By Robert Fontana

Did Jesus know this when he reiterated the Jewish conviction that marriage is for life?

[Jesus] said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.  Matthew 19:4-6

I am taking a course on couple therapy and came across a statement made by one of the gurus of the modern marriage therapy movement, John Gottman, PhD, that coincides with a long-held conviction of mine: the fundamental conflict in marriage is UNSOLVABLE!  What is it?  Lori is not me, and I’m not Lori!  That’s it.  You are not your spouse and your spouse is not you.

When Saturday morning comes around, and we do not have any major commitments, our unsolvable conflict raises its head.  We’ve had a busy week and haven’t seen one another much, so we agree we want to spend much of the day together, but what to do?

Lori:  Please do not make any plans for Saturday.  I’ve had my fill of being with people especially fourth-grade 10-YEAR-OLDS!

Robert: Well, I’ve been working from home all week and have hardly seen a soul; it’d be great to have a game night with some other adults.

Lori:  I JUST WANT TO SLEEP IN, AND WHEN I WAKE UP, HAVE A QUIET PRAYER TIME, DRINK SOME COFFEE, AND READ THE PAPER.  WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO DO THAT TOGETHER?

Robert: WE BOTH SAY WE NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.  WHY NOT GET UP EARLY AND DO A 20-MILE BIKE RIDE, THEN MEET THE KALUZNYS FOR SOFT-SERVE YOGURT?

Driving together brings out our unsolvable conflict like no other. Lori’s the detail person; I’m the…well…selectively aware person.  She can see a light change color before the rest of the world.  As green, in a micro of a micro-second is transitioning to yellow, Lori is telling me, “YELLOW!” Simultaneously, she is alerting me to the pedestrians who are preparing to cross the street, the pedestrians who are still in the crosswalk through which we are preparing to turn, and the low-flying airplane that appears to be looking for clearance to land on the street ahead of us.

I, on the other hand, am thinking about the 1966 championship game between Notre Dame and Michigan, and wondering why the Fighting Irish coach went for the tie.  The light still looks green to me, then…yes…it’s yellow, and I do whatever anyone of the male species would do in my shoes (or car), speed up.  Doesn’t a yellow light mean “hurry up”?

Lori and I are night-and-day different in our temperaments, personalities, styles, and latte preferences.  If we can stay together, and happily so, for 35 years, then so can most couples.

How do successful couples negotiate this unsolvable problem on their way to “happy ever after?”  This is what Gottman says: they remain friends.

Yeah, it’s that simple.  It’s not rocket science, and it is something anyone from any background – rich or poor, white collar or blue collar, Christian or secular, white, black, or blue – can do.

Of course, the $50 question is: how? By accommodating each other’s differences, and keeping play, fun, and conversation alive in the relationship.  In fact, friendship is the key for longevity in marriage.  When friendship ends or is waning, it is replaced by criticism, contempt, defensiveness (or blaming), and “stonewalling” (refusing to cooperate). The clearest sign that couples are losing their friendship is when fun has left the relationship. When a marriage stops being fun and this becomes a pattern in the relationship, the couple is in trouble.

However, key to accommodating one another is learning to stop trying to change each other.  And, if needs are not being met, rather than yell, scream, ridicule, give the silent treatment, withdraw, pout, or whatever, TALK.

 Lori:  Rob, I need some time to myself this Saturday morning; why not go for a ride on your own or call a friend?

Ironically, it is probably the differences that attract people to one another in the first place.  I was drawn to Lori not simply by the Catholic faith we shared, but because she paid attention to detail, noticed if the people around her were safe and secure, and was completely reliable in doing what she said she would do.  Lori was drawn to me because I was flexible, out-going, a good listener, and playful. (We are not completely different and have many things in common on which to build friendship).

But early in our marriage we had forgotten this.  After a particular period when friendship waned and fun was disappearing from our relationship, we regrouped.  We decided to each write down what we needed from the other person.

Lori’s list was:

1) diapers and dishes first

2) be home when you say you will be home

3) weekly meetings for planning

4) don’t wake kids when you come home and they’re asleep

5) record checks that you’ve written

Rob’s list was:

1) romance first

2) be flexible

3) plan but be flexible

4) play more; the work can wait

5) where’s the checkbook?

We laughed because it was very clear that each of us wanted to be married to our self; Lori to her, me to me (and what a nightmare that would be).  At that moment I heard the Lord say, “Now real love can happen in this marriage.”  I knew what Jesus meant.  “Now you have to build a life together, fully accepting each other as each other actually is. And if your needs are not being met, talk.”

If Jesus were around today and asked about marriage, he might answer with: I agree with Gottman, that there is an unsolvable conflict in marriage: you will never be your spouse and your spouse will never be you.  And that will be the source of your greatest joy and most fruitful growth.  You can go the distance and build a life of great love by accommodating one another’s differences and keeping friendship alive.