National Marriage Week: Marriage is wonderful and hard!
By Lori Fontana
Do you know that every marriage has an unsolvable problem? It’s that I’m not my spouse, and my spouse is not me! I like Scrabble; he likes Risk. I like the crossword puzzle; he goes right to the sports page. He likes surfing through all the channels with the remote; I like to find one program and watch it through. A perfect Saturday morning for him is a 20-mile bike ride followed by college football on TV; I like staying in my PJ’s, reading a good book, and sipping a mug of tea. I go around turning off lights; he likes them all on. I like hazelnut; he can’t stand it!
These are not moral differences. We’re not tussling over huge philosophical or spiritual issues. But we have preferences, and we bump into our differences daily. These differences are not good or bad; they’re just different. We have to work at negotiating them and accepting each other as we are. Our marriage covenant means we are committed to sticking with the give-and-take of a successful marriage. And it is precisely in navigating our differences with good communication and patience and LOVE that each of us grows in wisdom and grace, and our marriage bond is strengthened.
It’s also true that we grow through conflict. When we’re in agreement, we can be on auto-pilot, just sailing along in our busy lives. But when we disagree, when we don’t see eye to eye – that’s when we have to grow in awareness, expand our hearts, and temper our tendencies toward selfishness. We can learn and mature; and our marriage grows stronger and more rewarding. A peace-filled marriage (and it will never be a perfect marriage) is the pearl of great price, well worth the price!
February 7th – 14th is National Marriage Week. With your spouse, decide on one thing to do together to help nurture and strengthen your marriage.
Please see the marriage exercise on the below. It will give you a chance for meaningful conversation with your spouse.
VALUES & SPIRITUALITY IN MARRIAGE by Susan Vogt (author/speaker), used with permission
The following is an exercise to help you identify your most deeply held values and to check how closely they match up with your daily life. Sometimes we believe we believe something, but how we spend our time and money puts a lie to it. To have a happy marriage, couples need not share every interest, BUT it is crucial that they are in sync with their most deeply held values. If these values are generous, loving, and life-giving, a spiritual bonding will grow.
Directions: Each partner takes time to reflect on the following questions and writes his/her answers on paper. Read each other’s thoughts, then discuss. Since this is a heavy topic, you might not want to do this exercise all in one sitting, but rather take a question a day, a week, or a month.
1-What’s most important in life to you? (This question is open ended to let your mind roam over all the possibilities.)
A.
B.
C.
What kind of time and money do you put toward these priorities?
2-Covenant – Describe a time(s) when your marriage made demands on you that forced you to stand on your vows in order to survive. For example, when has one of you been called to give more than your fair share? (For example: unequal schooling, incomes, illness…)
3-Unconditional – Is there any way that one or both of you have changed since your wedding day that’s been hard to accept? Is there any change that would jeopardize your love? (for example: a change in appearance, personality, or mental health, infertility, loss of a job, infidelity…)
4-Fidelity/Permanence – Fidelity is more than just sexual; permanence is more than just not getting a divorce. What daily or frequent habits have you developed to nurture your relationship? (For example: eating together, a daily walk, checking in by phone or e-mail, praying together…) Has there ever been a crisis in your relationship when you have been tempted to give up on it? What helped you through it?
5- Fruitfulness – Has your love stretched you beyond yourselves? How? (For example: volunteer work, service projects, helping out in your neighborhood and community…) For those who have a child(ren) – How has your child stretched you to go beyond yourselves?
6- Forgiveness – Do you generally find it easy or difficult to forgive your spouse or yourself for shortcomings and mistakes? What has been a hard thing for you to forgive so far in your marriage? What does forgiveness look like in your marriage? For example: Do you say, “Please forgive me.” and “I forgive you.”? Do you make amends? Do a favor? Hug? Give flowers? Make a bowl of popcorn?…
7-Prayer – How do you involve God in your marriage? What does prayer mean to you? If you pray with your spouse, what’s that experience like? If not, why not, and what would it take to begin praying together?
Identify what prayer form most appeals to you:
____ memorized prayers ____ reading inspirational books ____ silent meditation
____ prayer services/rituals ____ guided meditation ____ rosary
____ scripture reading ____ inspiration from nature ____ I’m a crisis pray-er
____ other _____________________
All you Irish and Irish Wannabees: Get out the green on Feb 1st – St. Brigid’s Day
By Robert Fontana
February 1 is celebrated as the first day of spring in Ireland. Okay, you’ve visited Ireland. You know that Ireland is an island in the North Atlanta. Ireland has two seasons. Summer with some rain, July thru September; Winter with lots of rain, October thru June (and its cold). The Irish need a day of hope to get them to St. Patrick’s Day in six weeks. That day is February 1, the first day of Spring and also the Feast of St. Brigid. Brigid was a fierce lover of Jesus who lived in Ireland at the time of St. Patrick. We Fontanas become “O’Fontanas” on Feb 1 and mix the two events, first day of Spring and St. Bridgid’s Day, for a fun family ritual. I share that with you below, but first, let me give your a brief story of St. Bridgid.
>St. Patrick baptized Brigid’s mother, Brocca. Brocca was a slave and Brigid was born into slavery. Not much is known of her childhood, but she was a friend of St. Patrick according to the Book of Armagh which reads: “Between St. Patrick and Brigid, the pillars of the Irish people, there was so great a friendship of charity that they had but one heart and one mind. Through him and through her Christ performed many great works.”
St. Brigid is credited with founding and leading a double monastery, one belonging to women and the other t0 men. This indicates the prominent role that women played in the formative years of the Irish Church. Many miracles are credited to her intercessions before and after her death. She is remembered by her followers in Kildare (Church of the Oak) which was a center for prayer, study and copying of the Scriptures and other ancient writings, and metal work. The nuns at Kildare maintained a fire symbolizing the divine presence in the world and in the Church from the middle of the 5th century until the Protestant Reformation 1,000 years later.
St. Brigid is credited with creating the “St. Brigid’s Cross” made from reeds. It is said that she was comforting a dying Druid king who asked Brigid to tell him about her God. She told him the story of Jesus, and as she was doing this, crafted a cross out of reeds, like the one pictured.
St. Brigid is one of the patron saints of Ireland, with St. Patrick and St. Columba, and she is also known as Mary of the Gael.
Here is a prayer and ritual to celebrate both even if you do not live in Ireland and Spring is no where to be seen.
Begin with this Prayer to St. Brigid
Saint Brigid, daughter of Ireland and lover of Jesus, draw us by your prayers into the living flame of God’s love. Help us to clean our hearts and homes of all that is selfish and self-centered.
Pray that we will be attentive to the poor and spiritually abandoned, that we will practice the Beatitudes in good times and bad, and that the warmth of God’s love will animate all that we say and do.
Each member of the home takes a kerchief or handkerchief (could also use a bandana or cloth napkin) in hand and walks through the house dusting the furniture and books, and lamps, etc. singing “Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia.”
When the house has been thoroughly dusted, go outside and tie the kerchiefs on the branches of a tree and pray this prayer:
All: St. Brigid, come this day to our home and hearts, come by the power of God and be our guest. Help us, dear Brigid, to wipe away the dust of “me, and my, and mine” that we might love others with a selfless heart. We pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Our Father…
“Present the Children to God” Day
By Robert Fontana
No, there is no such thing as “Present the Children to God Day.” BUT I THINK THERE SHOULD BE! … celebrated on February 2nd or on the first Sunday in February.
February 2nd is the Feast of the Presentation, a day when Catholics and other Christians remember the Biblical story of how Mary and Joseph brought Jesus to the Temple in Jerusalem to present the newborn child to God:
When the days were completed for their purification – according to the law of Moses, they took him up to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord… Luke 2:22
Let’s do this with our kids and grandkids. Let’s have a grand procession into the church with all the children of the Church. Let them march in with balloons, streamers, and banners while playing horns, beating drums, and banging tambourines to make a joyful noise unto the Lord as did King David who entered Jerusalem in festive dance! Let the entire Mass be filled with exuberant joy as we present our children to God, the children who are not simply the future Church, but the Church now as young ones discovering how much they are loved by God and how much God wants to use them to bring God’s love to the world of their daily lives.
It’s a simple message, but it needs to be done in an over-the-top fashion oriented towards children who are usually ignored by the adult way of doing things at Sunday Mass. I read a study that by the time the average Catholic child is 11 or 12, he or she has checked out of Church, and Church / faith has very little or no meaning in her / his life. Part of the problem is the dominant American culture, so alluring in its offerings for pleasure and material success. These enticements can easily distract children and youth away from a life in the Spirit that can be far less tangible and, frankly, less fun.
But we Catholics and other Christians also make it hard for children and youth to find faith relevant to their lives because Sunday worship is something they must endure, and because the daily purpose of being a follower of Jesus is poorly understood.
We cannot change all this at one Sunday Mass and parish event. But we can invite our parishioners, those families who are regular participants and those who come just at Christmas and Easter, to bring the children to church on the Feast of the Presentation (or the first Sunday of February) and join with the parish community in presenting the children to Godin imitation of Joseph and Mary.
What would such a presentation look like?
- Let the presiding priest skip his processional entrance so that the focus is all on the children who are welcomed by Father and invited to process around the church as they make a joyful noise of song and praise. Banners, streamers, balloons can be prepared ahead of time, and children could be invited to bring from home any horn, drum and/or tambourine to carry with them up and down the aisles while the cantor leads the community in singing a joyous hymn such as Ode to Joy.
- The ministries of lector, cantor, and choir could be filled by children who have been trained to do the readings and lead singing for the psalm response and songs.
- Father could invite a few children who have prepared to help with the homily, to share stories of how they know that God loves them and how each tries to show that love in daily life.
- During the preparation of gifts all the children could be invited to come forth and place canned goods in front of the altar to be given to the local food bank or St. Vincent de Paul Society.
- Children could be invited to join Father around the altar and to repeat his gestures as he leads the community through the Eucharist prayer.
- Children would then return to their seats after the Our Father to give their parents the sign of peace.
- After communion the children would be invited to gather around the baptismal pool/font. The entire assembly then would extend hands over them as Father invites the Holy Spirit to come upon the children and invites the children to open their hearts to the Holy Spirit. After concluding with “Amen,” the children bless themselves with the baptismal water and return to their parents.
Conclusion: Father would remind the children that they are the Church of today. God needs them and so does the community of faith. “Grab your instruments, children, and process with me out of the church to the parish hall to continue our celebration!” After Mass, there would be cake and ice cream and fruit for all in the parish center, along with face painters to offer the emblems of an angel or a butterfly.
“Present your Child to God” Day is not an event on the Church calendar, but I think it should be!
The Unsolvable Conflict in Every Marriage: YOU ARE NOT YOUR SPOUSE AND YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT YOU!
By Robert Fontana
Did Jesus know this when he reiterated the Jewish conviction that marriage is for life?
[Jesus] said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate. Matthew 19:4-6
I am taking a course on couple therapy and came across a statement made by one of the gurus of the modern marriage therapy movement, John Gottman, PhD, that coincides with a long-held conviction of mine: the fundamental conflict in marriage is UNSOLVABLE! What is it? Lori is not me, and I’m not Lori! That’s it. You are not your spouse and your spouse is not you.
When Saturday morning comes around, and we do not have any major commitments, our unsolvable conflict raises its head. We’ve had a busy week and haven’t seen one another much, so we agree we want to spend much of the day together, but what to do?
Lori: Please do not make any plans for Saturday. I’ve had my fill of being with people especially fourth-grade 10-YEAR-OLDS!
Robert: Well, I’ve been working from home all week and have hardly seen a soul; it’d be great to have a game night with some other adults.
Lori: I JUST WANT TO SLEEP IN, AND WHEN I WAKE UP, HAVE A QUIET PRAYER TIME, DRINK SOME COFFEE, AND READ THE PAPER. WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO DO THAT TOGETHER?
Robert: WE BOTH SAY WE NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. WHY NOT GET UP EARLY AND DO A 20-MILE BIKE RIDE, THEN MEET THE KALUZNYS FOR SOFT-SERVE YOGURT?
Driving together brings out our unsolvable conflict like no other. Lori’s the detail person; I’m the…well…selectively aware person. She can see a light change color before the rest of the world. As green, in a micro of a micro-second is transitioning to yellow, Lori is telling me, “YELLOW!” Simultaneously, she is alerting me to the pedestrians who are preparing to cross the street, the pedestrians who are still in the crosswalk through which we are preparing to turn, and the low-flying airplane that appears to be looking for clearance to land on the street ahead of us.
I, on the other hand, am thinking about the 1966 championship game between Notre Dame and Michigan, and wondering why the Fighting Irish coach went for the tie. The light still looks green to me, then…yes…it’s yellow, and I do whatever anyone of the male species would do in my shoes (or car), speed up. Doesn’t a yellow light mean “hurry up”?
Lori and I are night-and-day different in our temperaments, personalities, styles, and latte preferences. If we can stay together, and happily so, for 35 years, then so can most couples.
How do successful couples negotiate this unsolvable problem on their way to “happy ever after?” This is what Gottman says: they remain friends.
Yeah, it’s that simple. It’s not rocket science, and it is something anyone from any background – rich or poor, white collar or blue collar, Christian or secular, white, black, or blue – can do.
Of course, the $50 question is: how? By accommodating each other’s differences, and keeping play, fun, and conversation alive in the relationship. In fact, friendship is the key for longevity in marriage. When friendship ends or is waning, it is replaced by criticism, contempt, defensiveness (or blaming), and “stonewalling” (refusing to cooperate). The clearest sign that couples are losing their friendship is when fun has left the relationship. When a marriage stops being fun and this becomes a pattern in the relationship, the couple is in trouble.
However, key to accommodating one another is learning to stop trying to change each other. And, if needs are not being met, rather than yell, scream, ridicule, give the silent treatment, withdraw, pout, or whatever, TALK.
Lori: Rob, I need some time to myself this Saturday morning; why not go for a ride on your own or call a friend?
Ironically, it is probably the differences that attract people to one another in the first place. I was drawn to Lori not simply by the Catholic faith we shared, but because she paid attention to detail, noticed if the people around her were safe and secure, and was completely reliable in doing what she said she would do. Lori was drawn to me because I was flexible, out-going, a good listener, and playful. (We are not completely different and have many things in common on which to build friendship).
But early in our marriage we had forgotten this. After a particular period when friendship waned and fun was disappearing from our relationship, we regrouped. We decided to each write down what we needed from the other person.
Lori’s list was:
1) diapers and dishes first
2) be home when you say you will be home
3) weekly meetings for planning
4) don’t wake kids when you come home and they’re asleep
5) record checks that you’ve written
Rob’s list was:
1) romance first
2) be flexible
3) plan but be flexible
4) play more; the work can wait
5) where’s the checkbook?
We laughed because it was very clear that each of us wanted to be married to our self; Lori to her, me to me (and what a nightmare that would be). At that moment I heard the Lord say, “Now real love can happen in this marriage.” I knew what Jesus meant. “Now you have to build a life together, fully accepting each other as each other actually is. And if your needs are not being met, talk.”
If Jesus were around today and asked about marriage, he might answer with: I agree with Gottman, that there is an unsolvable conflict in marriage: you will never be your spouse and your spouse will never be you. And that will be the source of your greatest joy and most fruitful growth. You can go the distance and build a life of great love by accommodating one another’s differences and keeping friendship alive.
